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I was talking to a business owner about their financial situation. They want to quadruple their annual income within the next five years, but don’t believe they can. I’ve never studied much about finances, but I have learned a lot about mindset.
M: “So why do you think you can’t do it?” B: “I don’t have enough time.” M: “So you believe time equals money? B: “Well no. I don’t like hourly pay structures. They don’t really make sense - in some cases maybe, but not most.” M: “Then why do you need more time?” B: ……. M: “I wonder if you’re stuck at your current income level because of that belief?” You may not be a business owner, but I guarantee you have beliefs that limit what’s possible for you - I certainly do! Everything you “have to” do, every feeling you have, every action you take, every result you get (or don’t) - it all begins with a thought, a belief. You may not even realize you have those thoughts until you do some digging. So when you find yourself feeling stuck, think. Dig into that deeply automated brain of yours this week and see thoughts and beliefs you find. And if you need help, let me know. I have a really big shovel. Monica P.S. For the next five weeks, I'll be sharing a model for understanding the way our thoughts affect our results. If you're not getting the results you want in your life, stay tuned.
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What if what you really wanted was normal?
What if taking a year off was normal? What if changing jobs - or even career paths - every year was normal? What if not having kids was normal? What if having ten kids was normal? What if being a stay at home dad was normal? What if homeschooling your kids was normal? What if not going to college was normal? What if going back to school after retirement was normal? What if whatever you wanted to do was fully supported and even applauded by your community and society as a whole? What if there was no wrong answer? What would you do? I would love to know. Until next week… Monica My kid is afraid of “scary lamps.” Scary Lamps are basically any ornate or unusual lamp, along with what I grew up referring to as a “halogen lamp” - a tall floor lamp with a round base and a long tube connecting to an upside-down dome lamp at the top. Despite the fact that I generally agree with his categorization of which lamps are fine and which ones are scary, I have tried to help him broaden his window of tolerance in this area.
Here’s what doesn’t work:
Last winter we were staying at an AirBnb for over a month. And it had a scary lamp. What to do? Someone had the genius idea to rename it. We called it a Silly Lamp. We talked about how funny it looked. And it totally changed his perspective. No more problems with the lamp. Eventually it became “just a lamp” and he could “just ignore it” but not until after he thought about it differently. Changing perspective changes everything. And the best part is that you are 100% in control of your perspective. You get to choose your thoughts. What new choices will you make this week? Monica P.S. Did you do anything “hard” or “scary” last week? I posted an announcement of my new baby on my FB page. I know…NOT hard or scary, but I’ve generally seen it that way BECAUSE OF MY THOUGHTS about privacy and people and Facebook as a company and wanting to honor my children and their lack of ability to decide for themselves what is shared about them. SO MANY EXCUSES can keep me quiet. I’m going to keep posting, though, so feel free to follow along! If you’re a visionary, dreamer, or struggling entrepreneur, you probably have ideas, passion, knowledge, and skills. And you probably feel like you need more ideas, passion, knowledge, and skills to do what you really want to do.
I so get it. I’ve been deeply involved in a few different small businesses and startups. I took my share of college classes and walked away with a BA after three years. I’ve plowed through mountains of books, articles, online workshops, videos on business, marketing, philosophy, communication, design, psychology, and personal and professional development. I know stuff. Lots of stuff. And as much as it would be bursting inside me, I’d keep it to myself. I was a scared perfectionist, always just one book or article or whatever away from finally doing my part and sharing with the world. I’m about to ruin everything for you. Your excuses. Your comfort. Your pacifiers. Because… You don’t need more. You don’t need more ideas. You don’t need more passion. You don’t need more knowledge. You don’t need more skills. You don’t need more money either. You need to just be you. And what you REALLY need is to be constantly reminded of that. Out loud. Where everyone can see it and mock it, praise it, love it, hate it. Will it be hard? Scary? Yes. Believe me, I get it. But let’s just call it what it is then: hard and scary. Not impossible. Not something you'll only be able to do once you have x figured out. Just hard and scary. (And you could choose to change your thoughts to "new and exciting" instead, but we'll talk about that another time.) Will you need to tap a professional at times? Learn some things? Generate some new ideas? YES. But that doesn’t mean you can’t post your photos NOW, publish your writing NOW, take clients NOW. You can change your life NOW. Do what you can with what you have now. Now. One small step at a time. By the way.... sometimes (like this time) I'm strongly reminded that we best teach what we most need to learn. Let's take a few new steps together this week and report back, shall we? Until next time, Monica There are always excuses.
Telling me there are no excuses just flips my brain into we’ll-see-about-that mode. Don’t try to tell me that there are no excuses because I will find hundreds. So it goes without saying that the “no excuses” approach to self-improvement, goal-setting, or motivational whatever just doesn’t work for me. And if it doesn’t work for me, I’m guessing there are more than a few people reading this for whom those words are more like bait than magic. For those of us who can’t keep our brains from interfering, here’s a better approach: Make excuses. Make as many excuses as you can think of — a whole list of reasons why you can’t do the thing you’re “trying” to do. Seriously think of everything you possibly can. Done? Think of three more. You should have a list of at least ten, maybe even 20. The point is to try to get ahead of any other excuses that might show up later. If you only have five, fine. Once you’ve made a nice beautiful list of extensive and perhaps very excellent and reasonable excuses… Destroy them. One by one, find all the reasons why each of your reasons is stupid. Turn your excellent excuse-making skill back on itself. Keep that document for reference anytime you think you can’t do the thing because of whatever excuse. But what if I don’t have time to make a list? Then you acknowledge to yourself that there are likely tons of good excuses and reasons to not do the thing that you are trying to accomplish, and you tell yourself that even though there ARE excuses, you’re going to embrace your inner rebel, put on your big kid Nikes, and just do it anyway. What if it doesn’t matter that much? It’s possible that at the end of this exercise you may find that the thing you were wanting/needing/hoping to do actually just doesn’t matter to you for any subjective or objective reason. In which case, skip it. Skip that thing and go find another goal worth pursuing. I hope you have an amazingly productive week! Monica Have you ever thought about the fact that you don’t actually need to do anything? Everything you tell yourself you “need” to do or that someone or something says you “have to” do, you actually don’t.
Think about it. You don’t need to wear makeup, respond to that email, take a shower, do the dishes, go to work, follow the speed limit, be kind to anyone, take care of your children, eat, or even breathe. BUT, you may have decided that you want to do those things because you value either the the actions themselves or the results they create. I don’t like doing dishes. It’s my least favorite household chore. The other night I walked into my kitchen after putting my kid to bed and thought “I have to clean the kitchen” (and there may have been an internal groan in there as well). Then I thought, wait…what do I WANT? Well, I can tell you that I don’t want to wake up to a messy kitchen. I want a clean kitchen with a clean sink and a clear counter. And I sat with that thought. I want a clean kitchen with a clean sink and a clear counter. I want to put everything away. I want to do the dishes. I want to wipe everything down. I want to scrub out the sink. And if I can stay in that want, holding on to that desire, the dreaded thing I thought I HAD to do becomes something I actually want to do. Cleaning the kitchen is not something to drag myself through because I want to do it. Next time you think “I need to ______,” try reframing the thought - not just to change the way you feel about it, but also to make it more honest: “I want to ______.” And if you really don’t want to ______, then maybe you should consider letting it go completely. What’s something you “need” to do this week? Can you recognize it as something you want to do instead? Monica “I have a special dad! My dad works from home! He goes to meetings but I get to spend a lot of time with him!”
I felt a little awkward as my 4-year-old was bragging about his dad to a guy who was clearly enjoying an outing with his two young sons. “Wow, that is special!” the dad said. “I would love to be home with my kids.” He seemed so sincere, and almost sad. I wanted to tell him he could do it - that he could be home more if he wanted to - but I know how trite and privileged that can sound, especially without any context, without knowing his story or struggles. The thing is, I don’t believe it matters what his life has been like up until this point. We always have the power to think and feel and act differently, no matter our circumstances. And thinking, feeling, and acting differently is what creates different results in our lives. Had I said any of this to him, he might have said something like, “I’m a [nurse, electrician, teacher, mail carrier, store manager, etc.] - I can’t do that from home.” And maybe he’d be right. But what if he wasn’t? We set up so many false dichotomies in our lives. “Oh I can’t do x because y.” Really? I question them all. When someone says they can’t do something they “want” to do, one of my favorite questions (besides why) is, “How can you?” How can you support your family financially or have your dream job AND spend more time with your kids? Or how can you do all three? There is always a way. It just depends on what you’re willing to sacrifice. This all points to getting really clear on what you care about. What matters most to you? Is it more important to you to spend more time with your kids or to continue working in your same job with the same hours in the same location? There’s no wrong answer, but it’s an important question. There’s more than one way to be a nurse, an electrician, a teacher. There’s more than one way to use the skills you’ve developed as a store manager or a mail carrier. If something else is more important to you, then it’s worth a good brainstorm and google search to open your mind to what those possibilities might be. If all that sounds exciting but overwhelming, schedule a phone consult with me and let’s figure out how you can get what you really want. Monica I’m giving myself ten minutes to write this. Because it will take as much time as I allow it.
I used to be a big time procrastinator (sometimes I still am). The reasons for procrastination vary - and mine usually involved paralyzing perfectionism. But along with that perfectionism was an understanding that whatever project I was putting off wouldn’t take as much energy, time, and effort if I put it off rather than doing “a little each day.” The “do a little each day” philosophy never made sense to me. If I worked on a research paper a little bit each day, it would take way longer than it needed to. Not to mention the time it would take to get back into the swing of it, remembering where I left off each time, etc. I’m a binger, not a chipper. The perspective that made much more sense to me was: If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do. And as much as it was an excuse to just put off school projects, I’m seeing more wisdom in that perspective now than I ever have. Maybe not the "wait until the last minute" part, but the idea of giving yourself a tight deadline. If I gave myself an hour (or just “however long it takes”) to write this note to you, I would take all that time. And it might not be because it would really take that long to write, but because I would wander over to Facebook, change my mind about the subject, go off on different tangents, check Facebook again, and maybe finish it, or maybe just come back to it later. What in the world! Why do that when you could just do it in ten minutes if you wanted? What would it look like to limit your next project to ten minutes? I dare you to try it and report back. Tell me what you did and how it went! Time’s up! :-) Monica I am a big believer in being generous with compliments. How many times do you think something nice about someone and don’t say it? WHY IS THAT? Why not say the thing?
I try to remember to say those kind, genuine things often as I think them, because I know how sweet it is to get a kind, genuine compliment from a stranger (or even a friend). And I can’t tell you how many times people say “You’ve made my day.” Wait, what? A kind word from a stranger has the power to make someone’s day? On one hand, that’s pretty amazing. Spread that magical power around everywhere as often as possible! On the other hand…. When we give other people the power to make our day, we also give them the power to break it. Years ago I used to have a decently-read wedding blog. Most of the comments were kind, encouraging, or at least benign. And it felt good to have so much positive attention. But once in awhile someone would say something I thought was mean or rude. And that would RUIN my day. My happiness and contentment was based on other people’s opinions about me. My barometer for how I was doing depended on other people. I had given away my power. And that wasn’t just something I did when I was a wedding planner, that dependence on other people to give me my identity has been hardwired in me for as long as I can remember. Tell me who I am. Tell me what I should do. Tell me if I’m doing a good job. Only in recent years have I realized - truly internalized - that I have one wild and precious life, and it’s mine and mine alone to live and decide about.And that feels like a huge responsibility for someone who delegated that to parents, teachers, spiritual leaders, God… for decades. And yet, it’s a responsibility I’m learning to love - one that’s showing me just how much strength I have. So I still accept the compliments today, but I hold them loosely, knowing that my power and confidence is mine alone to hold. Enjoy your power and confidence this week! Monica I completely stole this concept from Penelope Trunk. I think of it anytime I find myself wishing I had something someone else has.
The secret is this: You can’t want just one thing from someone’s life. You have to want their whole life. The point is that it’s easy to envy that globetrotting family if you don’t look at the whole picture. You have to want an inconsistent, not-guaranteed income (perhaps). You have to want a whole lotta time with your kids and no date nights with your spouse. You have to want to be away from the rest of your family and friends. You have to want true unpredictability. You have to also want that guy and those kids, and who knows what they’re really like. You have to want her personality, and who knows what she’s really like. You have to want her life experience, and who knows what that includes. You have to want to actually be her (or him). And if I think about actually being someone else, I recognize how very happy I am to be me. Enjoy all that it means to be YOU living YOUR LIFE this week. Monica P.S. If you’re not happy with who you are or the life you’re living, we can change that. Seriously. Schedule an introductory coaching consult with me here and let’s make a plan. |
AuthorMonica Gill is a life coach and image consultant in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Archives
December 2019
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