It’s amazing and pathetic how much of my life is the way it is because I don’t/didn’t want to make a decision.


What I don’t often realize is that not making a decision is a decision. Not deciding if you’ll have another kid means you’ve decided to not have kids that are close in age. Not deciding where you want to move means you’ve decided to stay in the same house. Not deciding if you want to grow your hair out means you’ve decided to keep it short. Not deciding how to do your new website means you’ve decided to keep your old one.

Why are decisions so hard for some people? What is so paralyzing?


For me, it’s fear. Fear of commitment. Fear of getting it wrong. And unless I really internalize the fact that I AM making a decision whether I actively choose it or not, I’m going to feel safer just waiting — aka, defaulting to whatever will happen if I don’t act. It’s passive decision-making. And if you don't actively participate in your life by making proactive decisions, you'll be watching other things and other people affect your life while you stand on the sidelines. And that’s no way to live.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve been *experimenting* with approaching my decisions as experiments. Experiments don’t need to be perfect. In fact, the point of an experiment is to try something new — possibly even ridiculous or extreme — and learn from it. It’s not supposed to succeed or fail, and that takes the pressure off. No big deal.

The other wonderful thing about doing experiments is the low committment. I’m naturally interested in a wide variety of subjects, and I’ve been historically self-conscious amidst so many people who have their one or two strong interests or things they do forever. The idea of doing the same thing for 30+ years sounds like prison to me. Experimentation allows me to play with an idea or a hobby without feeling like I have to become it.

When it comes down to it, few decisions are so massive that they can’t be undone or changed later. Hair can be cut or grown out again. Moves can always be made again. Websites can be changed again. It’s not as scary as it seems. Yeah it’s frustrating that you put a lot of work into a decision that’s later changed, but oh well. It was an experiment. You learned something. You did something. Action. Forward motion. And that’s far better than scrolling through Facebook while your life decides itself.


What experiments will you do? 


Until next week,


Monica

“Just do your best.”


There’s nothing that gives me anxiety quite in the way that little phrase does.


Just my best, huh? Is that all?


When was the last time you really did the absolute best job you could on anything?


Maybe I’m just a big slacker, but I can’t think of a single occasion. 


Did I do my best in school? Absolutely not. I BS'd my way through tests, speeches, papers, and presentations most of the time.


Do I do my best as a mom? No. I could do so much better.



Did I do my best in athletics? No; I could have trained so much more. Same with musical instruments - I never, ever practiced, so no way was I anything close to my best.


But what is my best? Using all my free time to practice day and night? For those of us who aren’t aspiring olympians, that just doesn’t make sense.


I tend to think in extremes. I can always find a way to do more and do better. And certainly iif I am watching Netflix, eating ice cream, or lying on the couch scrolling FB - and I do plenty of those things - then I am definitely NOT doing my best. Leisure and “my best” (whatever that is) feel mutually exclusive. Which is why I don't think "do your best" is always a helpful exhortation. It's certainly confusing for anyone trying to understand balance. Ahem.


If the idea of *just* doing your best creates more pressure, paralysis, or exhaustion than freedom and motivation for you, here are some new phrases to try:


Just get it done.
Just experiment.
Just try something.
Just do what you can with what you have right now.



Or here’s a really radical one: Just have fun.


Wanna try a few of these with me this week? I’ll do my best. 😆


Monica

“Great that’s a great place of privilege to say that you can just think differently about your circumstances. Thinking differently doesn’t make a bus come by when you’ve missed it.”


I received the above comment early this week, and I can choose to be like “Oh no! I feel so embarrassed! Did I just get called out for my privilege? And she’s right about the bus thing!” OR, I can choose to take this opportunity to clarify my own thinking and share what I've learned with my readers.


Let's put aside the idea that if you've missed the bus it probably means you didn't plan well. Either way, whatever mistakes you're made in the past become part of your current unchangeable circumstances, so let's just work from NOW. 


The above comment is totally on point in that we can’t make the bus come or make other people do things - whatever other people do that may affect us is a circumstance outside of our control. Trying to control other people, the weather, the bus, etc. is manipulation and typically futile. We CAN change our own perspective about those circumstances, though. 


As for the p-word, I'm grateful I was pushed to clarify my thinking on it. Privilege is relative, and I will not apologize for mine. What’s incredibly empowering is that anyone, no matter how under-privileged, has irrevocable privilege of changing their thoughts. 


This is not manifestation or “The Secret” or saying “I am not running late” when you clearly are. I am not about ignoring reality. What I do know is that one side of a cylinder looks like a circle, but a different angle shows you a rectangle. Reality includes options for choosing your perspective.


The shift comes when you believe your circumstances are happening for you. That missing the bus is somehow for the better - a “better” that perhaps may not be visible quite yet.


That doesn’t mean you ignore disappointment, sadness, anger, or grief. I think it’s very important to feel your feelings, and feel them fully. 


As I write this early in the week, I have a neck injury that has restricted my mobility, so I can’t drive, sleep comfortably, or pick up my baby. I have bronchitis so I can’t breathe easily or taste anything and my throat hurts. And I have a fever and mastitis for the second time that I’m really hoping doesn’t get to be as bad as the last time.


Am I feeling overwhelmed, discouraged, weak, and defeated? Yes, I am. Am I changing what I can in my circumstances? You bet. And I also made a list - a list of what is happening FOR me in the unchangeable circumstances - to change my thoughts.


So how is my current circumstance happening FOR me?

• It deepens my understanding of the effects of anxiety in my life (something I’ll be sharing in a future note).
• It leads me to ask for help.
• It shows my 5yo that things are hard sometimes and gives him opportunities to show compassion.
• It improves communication between me and my husband.
• It allows my 5yo the opportunity to see his dad’s priorities as he rearranges his schedule to help us.
• It renews my gratitude for my husband, and the fact that I have a partner.
• It increases my empathy for others.
• It helps me be a better coach.
• It increases my commitment to exercise and strengthening my body in 2020.
• It brought me to a healing practitioner who noticed a different decades-long issue I had, and I think - the jury’s still out - fixed it.

And when I look at all of that, I mean really, what did I have on my to do list this week that is more important than those things? This current circumstance is not fun; I don’t want it. But if someone gave me that list and said “do you want these things?” I would say YES PLEASE!


The hardest part for me is letting others down, especially when my husband cancels business meetings to take care of the kids. But that goes back to not being able to control other people: other people's thoughts about their circumstances belong to them.


When things feel hard this week, try making a list of how your circumstances are happening FOR you. Feel free to share it with me if you’re so inclined.


Warmly,
Monica

“What do you disrespect?”


It’s one of my favorite questions to ask. Of course, I don’t necessarily ask it outright. Instead I listen for clues about what “doesn’t even matter” to the person, or what she “couldn’t care less” about, or what is “so annoying.”


Those are clues for growth. For balance.


Anything you disrespect is probably worth exploring further. That means I probably have a lot to learn from heirlooms, antiques, holidays, parades, MLMs, sports, mosquitos, record-keeping, paperwork, rituals, traditions, institutions, school, emotions, my plans, my body, that rule about turning off cell phones on an airplane, conventional anything, the DMV, the post office...


There are probably hundreds of things. Hundreds of clues for personal growth.


What’s on your list? What do you roll your eyes at? I bet you’ll make some fascinating discoveries.


Monica

Two months ago, I started making my bed every morning. I was never a believer in little changes. If you know me, you know I don’t like to do little things, I like to do big things. Dramatic things. Small changes are like gnats to me - they feel pointless and annoying.


I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that you should make your bed every morning. Start the day right or whatever. Military offices are especially into this idea. But my brain was always like, meh, that doesn’t really matter or make a difference. It might make a little difference but I want to make a BIG difference.


LOL. Live and learn. And I have been LEARNING.


Most of what our brains do is automated. How much do you actually think about driving when you’re driving? Your brain knows how and it just follows the well-worn “how to drive” grooves to get you from point A to point B without you even noticing.


It’s the same with relationships. There’s a reason many people report falling back into old patterns and relationship dynamics when they come home for Christmas. Suddenly they’re twelve again. This is not some mysterious phenomenon; it is literally the wiring of your brain in action.


Changing brain patterns doesn’t happen overnight. You can’t force a total makeover here. You have to make small changes - interrupt the regular flow of your wiring. Because when that flow is interrupted, all sorts of other new things are possible.


I don’t know what results have and will come from making my bed every morning. What I do know is that it’s nice to get in to a made bed at night, that the room feels more peaceful, and that I feel like I accomplished something at the end of the day even if my kids were especially needy and my to-do list was untouched. 


What I do know is I’m priming my brain for growth that wasn’t available to me two months ago.


Have you made a little change lately? Try it this week. And instead of seeing it as some new habit to embed, just think of it as doing something different - one small adjustment to your day. I’d love to hear about it.


Warmly,
Monica

Good morning!


Have you been observing yourself lately? Have you stopped to really see what you're thinking, feeling, and doing? What have you learned?


RESULTS are the effect of
ACTIONS motivated by
FEELINGS generated by
THOUGHTS about
CIRCUMSTANCES.*

[This note is the last in a five-part series. To view previous notes, scroll down.]

Your results are not dependent on your circumstances. We like to blame our circumstances when we don't like our results. We may even humbly credit our circumstances when we achieve success. But if circumstances = results, then we wouldn't have Cinderella stories.


Everyone loves a good Cinderella story. 


Why is that? Because deep down we know the truth: that our results are not determined by our circumstances.


Does Cinderella get to the ball by sheer grit? No. She changes her thoughts. She dares to think that she deserves to go. 


When you’re not getting the results you want, something needs to change. That something is your thoughts. And if your actions or feelings need to change, you need to think different thoughts to get there.


And if you want to create results intentionally, you need to figure out what feelings and actions come from the thoughts you have.


If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten. 


Do you like the results you’re getting? If not, it’s time to make a change. Change your actions, yes. But that’s hard to do without a feeling, which is hard to conjure without a THOUGHT.


Are you sick of this yet? I'm preaching it to myself every day. RESULTS start with THOUGHTS. 


This is what coaching is for. Helping you identify what is holding you back and how to make that shift so you can live a life you love.


One of the most common reasons people who are interested in personal development do not hire a coach is because they say they can do it themselves - coach themselves. And they CAN and SHOULD! But do they actually DO it? And what results are they getting?


You can consume books and podcasts and workshops all the live-long day, but if you’re not getting real results, it’s time to do something different. THINK something different.


Go get some new results this week!


Warmly,

Monica

P.S. If you're ready to get serious about seeing yourself, owning your power, and changing your life, I would LOVE to work with you. Simply send me an email and we can schedule a free one-hour phone consult to talk about where you are, where you want to be, and how you can get from here to there.



*This concept is not new, but I must credit Brooke Castillo at The Life Coach School for the CTFAR acronym which she refers to as the Self-Coaching Model (used with permission), and for introducing it in a way that finally made sense to me.

Hello!

As you know, I have been learning a lot lately, not the least of which is the following equation:


RESULTS are the effect of
ACTIONS motivated by
FEELINGS generated by
THOUGHTS about
CIRCUMSTANCES.*


Circumstances are neutral.

Thoughts can be chosen.

Feelings can be changed. 

Actions aren't isolated.

[To view previous notes in this series, scroll down.]

Do you ever wonder why you don't take action when you say you want to or know you "should"?


You may very well know what to do to lose the weight, get the job, make the change - you may know the actions you need to take to get started, but you just can't get yourself to DO IT. And for the sake of this message today, let's say you actually do WANT it and it's something you chose for yourself in advance in an unstressed state.


Your brain will play all kinds of tricks on you. As much as you may think you love novelty and variety, your brain likes the well-grooved paths it's been following for decades. It doesn't want you to change.


The human brain is brilliant at coming up with reasons for not doing the thing you decided you want to do. There's no shutting it up, so my recommendation is to let it freak out and whine and badger you with [very good] arguments against your plans...and just observe. Once you start observing your brain patterns, you'll be amazed at how much they're holding you back.

Thank you, brain, for that fascinating information. You sure do have a lot to say, and that sort of thing will be very helpful if I'm ever suddenly chased by a lion, but today all I want to do is go to the gym.


Actions are not isolated. They start in your mind. They start with a thought. And if you're not taking action, you're not thinking the right thoughts or getting the right feelings. Do your children (or your theoretical children - this won't take much imagination) - do your children respond to you telling them they should do things for their own good?


Trying to make yourself go to the gym by thinking that it's good for you or that it will help you look good or be healthy is like telling a toddler to eat his spinach so he can grow up big and strong - vague at best, and certainly not compelling. 


And yes, I just compared your brain to a 3-year-old, because if you're not taking the action you say you want to take, your brain has some growing up to do. (AND BY THE WAY, I'm looking in the mirror and thinking of MY BRAIN as I write this to myself hoping that I'm not entirely alone.)


Anyway, it's time to get a new thought about the gym (or whatever). One of my favorite tricks is to break every action into super tiny actions: 


Put on shoes.
Stand.
Pick up keys.
Walk to door. 


And the thoughts that trigger those actions come so easy that you don't even realize you're thinking:


Thought:  Picking up my keys is easy.
Feeling:  Competent
Action:  Pick up keys.


You might think you can accomplish your goals and create action by sheer grit, but if you could then why aren't you there yet? And if you've been-there-done-that, then I'm guessing you have more than a few stories about b-u-r-n-o-u-t.


So go try a new approach this week. Observe yourself. See how your brain feeds you thoughts that keep you from doing what you want to do. And instead of digging in and "trying" harder, decide what actions you want to take, consider the feelings that motivate those actions, and choose thoughts that generate those feelings.


I hope you do amazing things this week.


Warmly,

Monica


*This concept is not new, but I must credit Brooke Castillo at The Life Coach School for the CTFAR acronym which she refers to as the Self-Coaching Model (used with permission), and for introducing it in a way that finally made sense to me.

Hello!

If this is your first note from me, welcome! We’re in the middle of a series on how our thoughts create our results.* To view previous notes in this series, scroll down.


I have been learning that:


RESULTS are the effect of
ACTIONS motivated by
FEELINGS generated by
THOUGHTS about
CIRCUMSTANCES.


Circumstances are neutral. Thoughts can be chosen. Feelings can be changed.


Feelings are created by thoughts. We’re talking about emotions here, not sensations, putting aside the idea that thoughts may also cause physical sensations.


This is not about denying feelings! Feelings are messengers. When you feel something, allow it. Welcome it with kindness, as one of my coaches likes to say, and on neutral ground.


What is the feeling exactly? Define it as well as you can. Need help? Here is a well-defined list of over 300 emotions to get you started.


A feeling is always a response. Not a response to a circumstance, but a response to our thoughts about a circumstance. Other people can’t make you feel anything, but your thoughts about them can.

What is your feeling telling you about your thoughts?


Is it something you want to feel, or not?


If not, you can change it by changing your thoughts. If someone is “making” you upset, you can choose to give them the benefit of the doubt. You can choose to think differently about their motives, actions, or tone. You can choose to think differently about how much whatever they do actually matters to you.


Sometimes you will want to feel something that’s not positive. There is a time to laugh and a time to mourn, and you’ll probably want to experience the emotions that align with your values.


That said, often we have feelings we’d rather not experience. Anxiety is a big one for me - I can’t think of a circumstance in which I want to feel anxious. But, choose a different, believable thought and you’ll get a different feeling.


So proactively ask yourself, how do you want to feel? About your work, your partner, your kids, yourself...your life?


What thoughts create those feelings? Consciously choose those thoughts this week.


Warmly,
Monica


*This concept is not new, but I must credit Brooke Castillo at The Life Coach School for the CTFAR acronym which she refers to as the Self-Coaching Model (used with permission), and for introducing it in a way that finally made sense to me.

Last week, I talked about how circumstances are neutral.  


Thoughts, of course, are not neutral. If thoughts were facts, everyone would have the same thoughts about a circumstance. Where some people see problems, others see opportunity. That’s how you can tell the difference between a thought and a circumstance.


Many things we think are circumstances (facts) are actually thoughts. “I don’t have time” is often a thought. We make time for the things that matter to us.


We also confuse thoughts, feelings, and circumstances. “I can’t” is also often a thought. Sometimes you physically can’t do something, and that’s a circumstance, but often we say we can’t when we actually mean “I don’t want to” or “I’m overwhelmed” or “I’m scared” (feelings).


“This is the worst day ever!” is a thought, not a fact. So is “This is the best day ever!” Think about that one. Think about the different feelings you might have if you believe you’re having the worst day vs. the best day.


Now let me be clear, I don’t advocate for telling yourself that you’re having the best day ever when you’re facing tragedy. It’s okay to not have the best day ever. It’s okay to have difficult days. Experiencing a range of feelings is part of our humanity.


That said, if you’re not getting the results in your life that you want, or if you want to do things differently, or if you want to feel different about your circumstances, all of that is within your power. You simply need to change your thoughts. Find something different to believe. Something you actually CAN genuinely believe right now.


The important takeaway here is that you can choose your thoughts. And ancient wisdom tells us that “As a man thinks, so is he.”


So what are the thoughts behind the things you feel and do everyday? If you’re not feeling and acting and accomplishing the way you want to feel and act and accomplish, what might you choose to think instead? What thoughts do you WANT to have? I encourage you to ask yourself that this week.
 

I'll talk to you then!


Monica

Last week I promised a 5-week series to explain how our thoughts affect our results. That starts now.


RESULTS are the effect of 
ACTIONS motivated by 
FEELINGS generated by 
THOUGHTS about 
CIRCUMSTANCES.


First, I have to say that this is definitely one of those times when “we best teach what we most need to learn” applies to me. Actually, that applies to pretty much everything I share, but this way of thinking is relatively new to me, and it is transformative.


Before we talk about thoughts and results, though, we need to talk about CIRCUMSTANCES.


Circumstances are the provable facts of a situation, e.g., the car was clocked at 39 mph on a 35mph road. 


Think of the ways different people could think about that very simple circumstance:

• “Limits are limits for a reason. That driver should get a ticket.”
• “That’s totally normal. I always drive 5 over the speed limit.”
• “That’s not even fast. I usually drive ten over.”
• “The driver probably had a good reason to be speeding.”
• “It doesn’t matter because the radar detector might not be that accurate.”

…not to mention how someone from another culture or country might interpret the situation. 


Facts are neutral. There are no good facts or bad facts, just facts.


Red just is. It’s not bad or good. It’s just red. You might have thoughts and feelings about it, but red, in and of itself, is neutral. 


So if circumstances are facts and facts are neutral, then you see where this is going, right?


What if circumstances just are? What if there are no good or bad circumstances, just circumstances?


Viewing your circumstances as neutral means not making more of a situation than it is. Your husband came home late three days in row. That is neutral. It’s not good, bad, mean, rude, or disrespectful unless you think it is.


We assign meaning to circumstances all the time - it's how our brains are wired - but that meaning only exists because we choose it, not because it’s objective. Someone buying your dinner is thought of as generous in one culture and making a power play in another.


This week, I encourage you to try this perspective - that no circumstance is inherently good or bad or…anything. I hasten to add that seeing circumstances as neutral doesn’t mean that you’ll never want to have any thoughts attached to circumstances - you no doubt have strong values and beliefs (thoughts) that you want to maintain, and that’s important. But it’s also important to be aware that those thoughts are your choice - and maybe even the agreed-upon choice of an entire culture, but a choice nonetheless. 


Think about this: If your circumstances are neutral, then you are not a victim of your circumstances. That is both very scary and incredibly empowering.


Choose empowerment.


Next week, we’ll talk about the thoughts that affect how we feel about our circumstances.


Until then…


Monica


P.S. If you have questions about this series, hit reply and let me know. There’s so much I’m still learning, and I hope to always continue to grow. If someone you know might benefit from these notes, please forward them on. You know where to find me.